“There’s a beast in every man who breathes. With him from birth until beside him in the grave. A hideous presence just aching for release. Its chains aren’t as strong as its memory.”
– Hatebreed, Something’s Off
Tag: #bekind
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I saw something the other day that reminded me of the movie Multiplicity, and couldn’t help but wonder…. What would I do if I had a clone?
Now, of course, the movie included some interesting caveats – each clone had a… specialty, I guess? Certain elements of the original being that were heightened – work focus, family focus, whatever. But. What if, in this situation, for hypothetical purposes, the clone was an exact copy of me at the time of the clone’s creation? Would do and say exactly as I would in any given situation? What would I do if I could perfectly duplicate my existence for everyone impacted? And, let’s add in the additional condition that I gain/retain the memory of both me and the clone, so I don’t technically miss out on any given experience, I just don’t have to endure said experience myself. My clone would retain both sets of information as well, for continuity.
Now, if all these conditions were true, and I could gain the experience and insight of my clone’s activities, but still be off doing something else? Holy shit, batman! Bonus life! I would spend all of my time reading and writing, and let my clone experience humanity and the world for me, drawing on this experience for said writing… I mean, how perfect can hypothetical circumstances be?? It would basically be the ability to be in two places at once. I am very intrigued by this idea.
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My favorite thing about snowstorms is the silence.
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I have a newfound appreciation for teachers, what they do and what some of them may experience.
I was in a CPIM class recently, as was someone I work with. My boss had asked me to help this other person with studying and understanding class materials and whatnot. I realized through various conversations with both of them that this was just as important a goal to them as it was to me, so I did my best to make sure we were both prepared for the exam.
I took my test first, and passed. I was relieved for sure, but there was another test to be done. Another week full of study and review sessions, and finding ways to explain things in relatable, plain English. And that last part could sometimes be difficult, because we all know how verbose and indirect textbooks can be, especially with topics that are complex to begin with.
She passed her exam yesterday, and I was so happy for her. She called me and I could hear the giant smile on her face. I was almost as nervous for her as I was for my own exam, it was insane. Last night, I slept so good knowing that I helped someone achieve an important goal for themselves.
I got to thinking… what do college professors or high school teachers go through during midterms or finals week? Do they experience the same anxiousness beforehand and the same relief once it’s over? And how do they react if a student doesn’t pass? It’s just this whole other mini-cosmos in the world that I had never really considered.
If you are a teacher, either by trade or by circumstance – thank you.
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Why does some weather, like rain or snow, have a smell beforehand?
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I think everyone should have one of these. A list of things you absolutely *must* do, achieve, or experience before you die.
Here are some of the items on my list:
- See the aurora borealis.
- Visit Sandia Crest, NM.
- Skydive.
- Pet a cheetah/tiger/lion or other big cat and listen to them purr.
- Preferably a cheetah, as from what I’ve read, they are the most timid, and therefore and least likely to eat my face while I’m still using it.
- See a wild wolf and look it in the eye.
- Hold/raise/feed a big cat kitten or a wolf pup.
- See a white buffalo in the wild.
- See Alaska and/or a glacier.
- See a night sky from the middle of nowhere and catch a glimpse of how amazing the night sky could be if not for humans.
- Sidebar – see a lunar eclipse on said night of star gazing from the middle of nowhere.
- Determine – with an acceptable degree of certainty – that a single theory I have or have had about the universe is correct. Or, alternatively, determine, with the same degree of certainty, that one of them is incorrect. In any case, I want to know.
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I miss days when life was simpler, but I’m not sure anymore if it’s that the world or my perception of it is what has changed more…
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Letting go gives you freedom to be.
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Anxiety is a very real thing for some people, and I’m talking about the type of thing that goes far beyond normal anxious stress about things. This does not refer to the butterflies before a big presentation at work, or the sweaty palms when meeting your crush for dinner. What I’m talking about is the crippling, terror inducing anxiety that effectively renders you useless for any activity that requires rational thought.
I have dealt with that feeling, I have struggled with those kinds of racing, chaotic thoughts that feel like they’re simply going to come flying out of your head for all the world to see and criticize and ridicule. Or that sometimes, feel like they are going to split your head in two and leave you a twitching, spineless pile of goo on the floor. Speaking of, that thought reminds of me of the backpiece I started designing years ago. It is a self-portrait. I am screaming, hands clutching the skin falling off my face as my skull is splitting open and the entire universe is rushing out of the top of my head. I need to get back into drawing again and finish that piece and get it started on skin….
Anyway, I had a point here. Back to that.
I have gotten to a point where I can sometimes use my anxiety as a weapon against itself. For example, at work. I have a tendency to double, triple, quadruple check things. This, of course, is inefficient, and led to missed deadlines and late nights and arguments with my husband and exhaustion and stress and burnout. So, being the problem solver that I am, I asked myself, how can I satisfy my need to check things, but still deliver quality work on time? Simple, really. Do smaller checks more often during the project. Take a firm, concise mental note of each verification, and move on. It really does sound simple, and it really is that simple, but it is hard as hell to see that simplicity when you’re in the middle of a compulsive, anxiety ridden episode. But once you get a feel for it, and more so, learn to trust yourself enough, it really does work. It provides the comfort of checking something multiple times, but it is built into your process, so takes less time than doing multiple big checks at the end, highlighting problems during the project so they can be fixed with less effort.
For a long time, I struggled with OCD. I still have my moments, don’t get me wrong. But one mental health professional told me once, with regard to my obsession for checking things – locks, the stove, the dogs, whatever – take a picture. Literally, take a picture of what you’ve checked with your phone. It will have a timestamp, and is available if you start spiraling downward to remind you that you did what you should have done, even when your mind is screaming that you need to check it yet again. I got to the point that I could take a mental picture of whatever, and be ok. Mind you, this is progression from a written list with checks, circles, boxes and Xs to denote my checks before leaving the house, which would sometimes take upwards of an hour. And now, I take a mental picture, and most times, am fine.
I believe that any problem has a solution, and that any difficulty can be turned on its head and used as a tool. Can’t sleep? Use that time to be productive and reduce your stress level the following day. Can’t focus? Go for a walk, get your steps in, and a change of scenery. Can’t think straight? Draw, or do some stream of consciousness writing. Capitalize on whatever the difficulty is.
And if all else fails, remember to just breathe.
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It’s so strange that some people are just incredibly inadaptable. People exist in the world who literally cannot handle even the slightest bit of chaos or change. It baffles me.
A Peculiar Cerebral Tangle 