Tag: #thoughtsofnumberwoman

The Point – Continued (p4)

October 5th, 2023

You can read part 3 here.

Part 3 brought me to an interesting thought about the possibility that the only thing we are to be held accountable to is ourselves and our values. The idea that there is no grand orchestrator, be it life, the universe, a deity – it’s all just random. That there is literally nothing as far as meaning or motive is concerned. The freedom represented in this idea, is, as I said, exhilarating. But what else would that mean if it were true? Those answers could be terrifying.

One belief that I always held on to was the idea that people would get what they deserve in life. And by that, I mean that bad people would receive bad things from life. And good people who have been impacted by bad people or events would have even better things come to them. Karma would do her thing, and while it would be awesome if I could witness it, I was ok with “knowing” that was going to happen. I believed in balance in the universe, in life. It wasn’t necessarily an instant thing, which had to be the case in order for the whole thing to make sense to me, but that was ok. (For the record, instant Karma can be fucking hilarious!) But, if everything is the result of random chance, then Karma doesn’t have a place. Karma isn’t a thing in that version of reality. That’s a bit scary, because that means that horrible people can get away with horrible things, and there is no Karmic justice that will pay them back for that, or give the good people in the world some relief from the bullshit. And, I have to say, I’ve questioned that whole thing as I’ve gotten older anyway, because I see more and more that people get away with some truly fucked up shit. And, even if they do get hit with Karma, sometimes the level of “justice” is lacking to say the least.

The next thing is that if we are the result of coincidence, and are accountable to no one but ourselves, that puts a ton of responsibility on our shoulders. We are responsible for whether or not we are successful, and for the kind of person that we choose to be. We have to answer to ourselves for all the good and bad that we do or cause, and we have to own every single piece of that. There is no transfer of guilt for the things that happen – it’s just random, after all. And that’s the second component of this. Lots of responsibility, but also the fact that every single thing in our lives is an uncertainty with no reason behind the outcome. If something horrible happens, there is no reason for it, no guarantee of something better after the fact or some improved understanding of life or yourself or whatever. If you believe that things happen for a reason, it’s sometimes easier to deal with the painful things, because you believe that there is something good or pleasant on the other side of all that pain. But in this realm of randomness, there is no good or bad on the other side of anything. Just more rolls of the dice.

One thing to consider though, is free will. That’s something that we all believe we have. I can get out of bed, or not. I can punch someone in the face, or not. I can sit on my patio all day enjoying the birds and ignoring work, or not. But what if those choices are random as well? I don’t actually believe that to be the case, because if it were, habits would never exist. Habits are predictable events and are the exact opposite of random. And, as the adage says, humans are creatures of habit. That said, how does free will factor into this whole schema of a random existence? Is free will the evolutionary mechanism to fight against the randomness in an attempt to bring some kind of order to the chaos?
Sometimes….

October 4th, 2023

Fun fact!!

Sometimes, a statement truly is just a statement. It’s not an attack or a judgement, it’s simply stating a fact.

For example, if I say, “You weren’t able to attend (insert event), so here’s what you missed…”, there is absolutely no reason to get defensive or explain yourself. If I wanted an explanation, I’d ask for one. If I was upset or mad that you weren’t there, I’d say so.

Just chill. Not everyone is out to get you!
The Point – Continued (p3)

September 25th, 2023

Part 3 (read part 2 here)

The second installment of this – whatever it is – brought me to the question that I truly want an answer for. Is there a justification for human life, or is it a random occurrence? I got to thinking (big surprise).

Human beings are animals. We fit nicely into the scientific classification system of taxonomy. (Fitting in to that system makes sense, because we developed it, but that’s not what I’m getting at.) Many people assume that they were born to do something specific. That could be living a life of service and charity. Or being a famous singer and songwriter. Or being a teacher. Or being a doctor. Many people believe they have a purpose, that they exist for a reason. That they have some grand goal that they must achieve in life. Some people know when they are a little kid what they are going to do with their lives. Some people spend their lives trying to figure out what their purpose is.

What I’m getting at is, what if that’s not the case? What if we don’t have some grand, predestined purpose? I mean, look at other animals. Other animals don’t have the media that we do so they can get “famous” outside of their own territories. They don’t have the resources to heal many things that they deal with. Yes, they have teachers in a way, within a pride or a flock or what have you. Most certainly don’t have the means to travel like we do, and even those who do, don’t. They stick to their routes, their migration patterns. Many people would argue that animals don’t have a purpose other than some serving as food for humans or being something spiffy to look at. What makes humans so special? Why do we get a purpose and other animals don’t?

It’s just not making sense. I’ve had these thoughts, I felt I had a purpose. I was one of those people who was going to spend their whole life figuring out what that purpose was. I thought I knew, and then it turns out I was wrong. And I thought I knew again, and then wrong again. Third time rolls around, and I decide I’ll just “see what the universe has in store”. But what if there’s nothing in store? What if our purpose in life is simply to exist and experience as much life as possible for this brief moment of time? After all, a human life span on the time scale of the universe is less than miniscule. How have we come to believe that in the scope of the existence of the universe, something that amounts to 0.000000584% of that time is somehow significant in the grand scheme of things? (Do the math – 80 years divided by 13.7 billion years x100)

To be clear, I am not saying that human life in general is insignificant. Every individual that has, does, or will exist is the result of a statistical miracle. Every life is precious. What I’m saying is that I am questioning the idea that individuals have some innate purpose for their lives, assigned or bestowed by something other than themselves. That there is some sort of external expectation that we have an obligation to meet.

What if… I mean, there are tons of belief systems and theories about this. I’ve read about many of them. But what if they are all wrong? What if it really boils down to the fact that a person exists only because random chance happened to create them? No purpose, no reason, no motive – no external orchestrator of our lives. Just a giant cluster fuck of randomness resulting in the person staring back at you in the mirror. No expectations to meet, other than your own. No goals, no priorities. Other than your own. No people to please. Except for yourself.

The implications of this thought are both terrifying and exhilarating.
Least favorite word

September 20th, 2023

I did a writing prompt a few days ago that asked what your favorite word is. Now, I have a question of my own…. what is your least favorite word?

I started thinking about it, and that’s a hard question. When I was younger, it was protein. I was writing a paper for a science class, and for whatever reason, didn’t have access to a dictionary at the time. I was visiting someone, I think. Anyway, I must have crumpled up and re-written that paper two or three times because every time I wrote the word “protein” it looked wrong. And this was back in the day when you actually had to write assignments on paper with a pen.

Nowadays, I don’t know. There are certain words that I don’t like hearing some people say, because they butcher the pronunciation. Like “supposedly”. Or “administrator”. But that’s the person screwing up the word for me, not the word itself – I don’t think that counts.

I think I can actually say that I do not have a least favorite word that I can think of.
Almost

September 18th, 2023

Something my dad told me a long time ago….

“ ‘Almost’ only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and atom bombs.”

Simple statement, yet profound.

My dad told me this after I had been doing something, had not finished, and made the excuse that I almost finished but got tired of working on it, so I quit. He didn’t elaborate, just let me think about it. I wound up finishing whatever it was. I’ve since come to equate “almost” with “half-assed” for an abandoned project.

How many times have you accepted “almost” from others? Or, more importantly, from yourself?
Mutual suckiness

September 17th, 2023

I’m not the type of person to have tons of friends, I never have been. I have a small circle, and I like it that way.

My small circle and I have a problem. We all suck. We sometimes go months without hanging out or even talking, and every time we do talk, we say “I miss you! It’s been too long! We should hang out more!”. We muse about what we’re going to do “next time” and the fun we will have. Good times! Then, the moment passes, we part ways, and everyday life resumes her stranglehold. Weeks and months go by until we do it all over again. Vicious cycle.

I’d just like to point out that I’m saying that everyone sucks. Almost everyone is guilty of this with their friends, and maybe even with family. Too often, we let the everyday stuff get in the way of the truly important things. The connections that we have with people add so much more value to our lives than checking off to do list items.
Asking Permission

September 16th, 2023

Fun fact!

Asking permission for something when it’s already too late for that permission to be granted or denied in an effort to appease your own conscience is just fucking dumb. Put your big kid panties on, be a grown ass adult, let the person know what’s going on and apologize. It really is that simple.

Don’t be fucking dumb.
The Point – continued

September 16th, 2023

Part 2 (read Part 1 here)

Upon rereading my initial post, I realize that there may be an issue with my terminology. At several points, I used the terms “reason” and “root cause” as if they were interchangeable. They are definitely related, but in this context, I am not exactly sure that they are synonymous. Let’s go to my favorite book of all time – the dictionary.

According to Merriam-Webster, there are four main definitions for the word reason:

Within the third, we find the word “cause”. We’ll get into that in a minute. What strikes me for the word reason is the second definition – “a rational ground or motive”. I think this is what most of us are referring to when we talk about a reason for something. Life in particular as it relates to this discussion. We want to know what motive existence or our deity of choice had for putting us on this planet. We want a justification for our lives and the events in it. We want to know why.

Moving on to “root cause”. Oddly enough, root cause is not in the dictionary, at least not Merriam-Webster. So, we look at each part. First, cause. It is something that “brings about an effect or a result”. Second, we look at root. Now, there are several definitions depending on the field of interest, but if you look at the third definition, you see this:

What strikes me here is the first definition – the origin or source. That’s what’s being referred to when we say “the root cause”. We want to know the initial logical relationship that caused a particular event.

So, let’s take a step back. It is, apparently, impossible to define the words “reason” and “root cause” without getting into some pretty ridiculous circular logic. They are related terms, but I still think that they are not quite synonymous, because a reason carries (or can carry) an emotional connotation to it, whereas root cause – not so much. Root cause is logical. I think that distinction is what was nagging me when I reread that initial post.

I guess what it boils down to for this discussion is, what are we actually looking for? The root cause is pretty easy, it’s science. Sperm and egg get together, and voilà, human life. Events are just as easy to explain. They are logical relationships to previous events.

But the reason – the justification – is what I’m looking for. Is there a justification for human life, or is it truly random and therefore meaningless?
Uninspired

September 15th, 2023

I read a thing recently – it was a quote from someone, but I don’t remember who. Either way. It was this:

“When you are consumed with thoughts, write. When you are uninspired, read.”

If you know who said that, please let me know. For now, ramblings continue.

What happens if you’re both? My mind is going a mile a minute – so many things and I can’t keep track of the jumping from thing to thing. Music. Writing. Work projects. Personal projects. Things that are a bit of both. Life. Philosophy. Statistics. Physics. And the connection between the last four things.

I need more tattoos. I need to finish designing the rest of my sleeve, tweak the design for my backpiece, and somehow come up with a few thousand bucks to get it all done.

holy shit. Just texting with a friend – multitasking can be evil, I know, but in this case, it’s great. The song Only came up, by NIN. I played it. Something strange happened, so I played it again to make sure. And then again. And again. (yes, I’m that person lol) I am smiling so big right now! This song used to represent to me a place where I wished I could be, but feared I would never get to. Somewhere where I could move on from the past, from myself, from random bullshit that was keeping me trapped in my own head with only this broken version of myself that longed to be something different, something more. Now, it seems like it’s talking about a place that is actually attainable, somewhere I’ve seen, almost. And that is… indescribably…. fucking…. Damnit, there are no words! Just imagine being presented with a situation where you would have more freedom than you’ve experienced in basically as long as you can remember, and how that would make you feel. That’s what this is.

I’m going to go listen to more music and bask in this awesome feeling for a while.
Leader?

September 15th, 2023

Do you see yourself as a leader?

Talk about a loaded question!

Without diving into definitions and rhetorical questions about the topic, I can say yes. And no. Allow me to explain.

I potentially impact others through the example of my actions, the quality of my actions, my work ethic, and my integrity. But these are the types of things that don’t change with respect to the title I have. I will work and act the same way whether I’m a stock person at a mom and pop store or a CEO of a billion dollar corporation. And the same applies to things I do for family, friends, community, or even strangers. I only hope that these things inspire others to do the same in their own lives. So, in that regard, yes, I consider myself a leader.

Do I run a company? An organization? A military unit? A department? A country? A movement calling for revolution? A cult? No. I do not motivate or inspire people to do things that I, or some kind of collective mission, need them to do. So, in that regard, I do not consider myself a leader.

The potential capacity for leadership is another question for a different day.😉