Letting go gives you freedom to be.
Tag: #thoughts
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Anxiety is a very real thing for some people, and I’m talking about the type of thing that goes far beyond normal anxious stress about things. This does not refer to the butterflies before a big presentation at work, or the sweaty palms when meeting your crush for dinner. What I’m talking about is the crippling, terror inducing anxiety that effectively renders you useless for any activity that requires rational thought.
I have dealt with that feeling, I have struggled with those kinds of racing, chaotic thoughts that feel like they’re simply going to come flying out of your head for all the world to see and criticize and ridicule. Or that sometimes, feel like they are going to split your head in two and leave you a twitching, spineless pile of goo on the floor. Speaking of, that thought reminds of me of the backpiece I started designing years ago. It is a self-portrait. I am screaming, hands clutching the skin falling off my face as my skull is splitting open and the entire universe is rushing out of the top of my head. I need to get back into drawing again and finish that piece and get it started on skin….
Anyway, I had a point here. Back to that.
I have gotten to a point where I can sometimes use my anxiety as a weapon against itself. For example, at work. I have a tendency to double, triple, quadruple check things. This, of course, is inefficient, and led to missed deadlines and late nights and arguments with my husband and exhaustion and stress and burnout. So, being the problem solver that I am, I asked myself, how can I satisfy my need to check things, but still deliver quality work on time? Simple, really. Do smaller checks more often during the project. Take a firm, concise mental note of each verification, and move on. It really does sound simple, and it really is that simple, but it is hard as hell to see that simplicity when you’re in the middle of a compulsive, anxiety ridden episode. But once you get a feel for it, and more so, learn to trust yourself enough, it really does work. It provides the comfort of checking something multiple times, but it is built into your process, so takes less time than doing multiple big checks at the end, highlighting problems during the project so they can be fixed with less effort.
For a long time, I struggled with OCD. I still have my moments, don’t get me wrong. But one mental health professional told me once, with regard to my obsession for checking things – locks, the stove, the dogs, whatever – take a picture. Literally, take a picture of what you’ve checked with your phone. It will have a timestamp, and is available if you start spiraling downward to remind you that you did what you should have done, even when your mind is screaming that you need to check it yet again. I got to the point that I could take a mental picture of whatever, and be ok. Mind you, this is progression from a written list with checks, circles, boxes and Xs to denote my checks before leaving the house, which would sometimes take upwards of an hour. And now, I take a mental picture, and most times, am fine.
I believe that any problem has a solution, and that any difficulty can be turned on its head and used as a tool. Can’t sleep? Use that time to be productive and reduce your stress level the following day. Can’t focus? Go for a walk, get your steps in, and a change of scenery. Can’t think straight? Draw, or do some stream of consciousness writing. Capitalize on whatever the difficulty is.
And if all else fails, remember to just breathe.
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It’s so strange that some people are just incredibly inadaptable. People exist in the world who literally cannot handle even the slightest bit of chaos or change. It baffles me.
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There was a prompt yesterday from Day One, and I was super excited to write about it, but fell asleep because I was exhausted from other stuff, so here it is….
Prompt: You get to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?
Oooooh….. this would include a space for drawing as well, but here goes. Please note: factors of cost, feasibility or practicality are not being considered. At all.
Ok, to start, this would be a stand-alone thing, located in a wooded area near a creek or river. The sound of water moving (or falling, like rain), calms me. The building would be made of wood and potentially brick, a log cabin type thing. It would have large windows to allow for lots of natural light if desired, but with shutters or black out drapes for those days that light just irritates the shit out of me. It would also have a fireplace, and generously sized skylights for star gazing on frigid nights. Also, the skylights would have covers to block out light when desired, because, yeah. I’m weird like that.
Inside the structure would be cozy but not crowded. It would contain a few different things.
In one corner, a wooden desk built in/attached to part of two walls. The desk would be made of hard wood, like oak or maple, and have a darker stain color. Dark cherry perhaps. The desk would have spots for storage on both sides, especially for notebooks/drawing pads and writing/drawing implements. The edges of the desk would be bark. I love that unfinished look.
One side of the desk would have a space for my computer and notebooks. This would be the writing side. The other side would be for drawing, and would include some kind of draft table type functionality that can be concealed when not in use.
In the opposite corner, I would have a simple, overly cushioned chair, where I could sit with my book in hand with my elbows resting on my thighs/knees. I know this doesn’t seem comfortable for most, but it works for me. Also, this area would have a large, pillow stuffed lounging area. This whole thing would be the reading area.
I would have lots of bookshelves, and various pieces of art hung on available wall space.
So, yeah. That’s my ideal reading/writing/drawing space.
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There is a Rage Against the Machine song called Freedom that includes, in a quiet moment of the song, the words, “anger is a gift”. This is so true, and I have experienced the subjective truth of that today.
I have been stressing lately; life has just been throwing one ridiculous curveball after another. I was at my breaking point. Another curveball is lobbed my way and smacks me in the nose. I got pissed. I was white hot, livid. I don’t usually get like that. Ever. I mean, the dogs were walking slowly around me with their ears back and heads down because, I imagine, the rage was actually palpable. I put in my headphones and started blasting some angry music while taking care of what needed to be done, stewing in my hatred for life at this point. 10 minutes…. 20 minutes…. An hour has gone by now, and I feel calmer than I have in weeks. I apologized to the dogs and told them I love them.
I suppose there is something to be said for actually sitting with your emotions for a while and just letting them exist without trying to just make them stop or go away. Let them have the life they want. Yes, it can suck, but an hour of sitting with my anger is far better than the weeks of misery and anxiety I’ve spent trying to suppress it and pretend it didn’t exist.
That said, today, anger was a gift. And some days, so too are sadness and fear. I think the key is to sit with them – let them exist – and then, take inventory of what you have to work with and move on with what needs to be done once their visit is over.
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Who were your favorite and least favorite characters from this movie? And I’m talking about from the original animated Disney film, not the more recent live action version, which I haven’t seen. I ask because something I saw this morning reminded me of the croquet game they played, and of course, my mind spiraled down the proverbial rabbit hole, which is, actually, rather appropriate for this train of thought.
Anyway, I imagine a lot of women would say that when they were little girls, Alice was their favorite character, and maybe they changed their mind later in life, but I didn’t think that way. I was fascinated by the Cheshire Cat. He was always smiling, and seemed to speak in riddles. Why was he always smiling? And why couldn’t he just say whatever he wanted to say? He was, to me, a puzzle to solve. I would rewind the movie and watch the scenes with him over and over trying to figure it out.
My least favorite character was probably the Mad Hatter. He was mean to Alice, though in a different way than the Queen of Hearts. With her, you knew what to expect. He seemed nice at times, but other times was just rude and…. icky. I’m sure there’s a better word for it, but thinking about it from a childhood perspective, that’s all I can come up with. He made things confusing in a frustrating fashion, asking questions and never letting Alice answer, then getting mad when she got upset. I did, however, enjoy the idea of celebrating un-birthdays.
That’s all. Just a dose of Saturday randomness. Back to studying now!
Have a great weekend!
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I must admit, the ellipsis is one of my favorite forms of punctuation.
I use it often in my personal writing/journal, or in text messages. Less often in blogs and rarely in my professional writing. I believe it to be a very powerful tool in writing. It indicates missing words, or a pause (in thought, at least for me), and can entice readers to read on. To see what they are missing.
There is really no point to this, I just wanted to talk about the ellipsis, because I honestly think it is fabulous and underappreciated as a punctuation mark.
That is all. Carry on, and have a wonderful evening!
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I’ve always been fascinated with the idea of lucid dreaming. Mostly, I just have very strange dreams, but some pretty terrifying nightmares too. I actually have a collection of writings about my recurring dreams over the years that I thought to publish one day…. dreams for another time, I suppose. Anyway, the thought of being able to realize that I’m dreaming and exert some measure of control over the scenes playing out in my mind is just – wow. That would be phenomenal.
I’ve had dreams where I realize that I’m dreaming, but once that thought is fully formed in my mind, I wake up and the experience is over. But not last night….
I began dreaming shortly after falling asleep (I think). I was home in the dream, and Sandy was running around doing dog things. She barked once or twice, and I look over and see this spider, and feel an immediate sense of horror. I’m not a fan of spiders by any means, but as long as they are away from me or the dogs, I generally don’t care much. This one was different. I could almost feel evil emanating from it, or malintent. I don’t know how to explain it.
Either way, the spider was shaped in such a way that its legs spread in front and behind it, and you could overlay a perfect figure 8 on top of it with the center of its body being where the figure 8 crosses itself. It wasn’t like any spider I’ve ever seen, and yes, I have since done an internet search and it looked like an elongated version of a St. Andrew’s Cross spider, but with a smaller abdomen, and thicker legs with a little more distance between the legs in each pair. It was probably 3 or 4 inches long, maybe? The odd thing was that its body was weird… it almost looked like it had two abdomens, one at the top and one at the bottom, no head or anything.
In the dream, I thought, I hope the spider leaves the dogs alone; we don’t have benadryl handy and I don’t want to have to rush anyone to the vet for a spider bite. Right then, the spider jumped onto Sandy, and somehow I knew that it intended to bite her. It was then that I realized I was dreaming. The spider was crawling up to her neck, and I was trying to get to her to knock the spider off and kill it, but suddenly my legs were sinking into the floor. I could barely move. Time felt like it slowed down and I was watching things in slow motion. I could feel my heart rate and sense of fear increasing, and I just said to myself, “it’s ok, this is just a dream, Sandy’s not actually in danger, I just need to get to her and kill the spider. I wish I could just float instead of being trapped in the floor.” And voila, I was floating! I imagined a rope, and then used that to pull myself closer to Sandy. As soon as I touched Sandy and went to knock the spider to the floor, I woke up.
What an intense freaking experience!! I knew I was dreaming, I held on to that knowledge and was able to influence the events of the dream with my thoughts!
I need to research this a bit and see if there are ways to induce lucid dreaming, because I absolutely loved that feeling and am so curious as to what kinds of things I could co-create with my subconscious!
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I think we need some different words for “friend”.
A long time ago, a friend of mine, who I’ve since grown distant from, told me that the ancient Greeks had several words for love, to describe the different qualities of love that you have for someone. You love your significant other in one way, your grandmother in another, and yourself in yet another. There are actually 8 in total, and this includes the love that you have for yourself.
I think we need the same type of delineation for friends and/or friendship.
For example. There are friends that you have that you hang out with occasionally, share some details about your life with. There are friends that you have, say at work or at school, where you don’t really hang out, but you share the commonality of being at work or school together, and you hang out there, maybe commiserate a bit and share certain snippets of your life with them. Then, you have your close friends, who know a hell of a lot more than any of your other friends about you, your past, your current life. And then, you have that very close person, or maybe two people, who know everything and would do anything for you. They would give you money, no questions asked and with no expectation of repayment. They would watch (and you would trust them to watch) your kids or your pets. They would help you dispose of a body if you needed it, and then go out for drinks after like it was any other random Tuesday. Your true ride or die.
The only word we have in English for any of these people is “friend”, but some of them just barely meet the criteria, and others go above and beyond by lightyears. Why is it, then that we do not differentiate?
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I have witnessed a lot of these lately and I don’t quite know what to think about it.
There was a point in my life when I was absolutely sure that everything happens for a reason, and that coincidences were just subtle ways for the universe to prod you a bit or whisper in your ear, or some form of energy flow that some people could pick up on more than others. Everything in the world or in life had a purpose, it was just a matter of going with the flow to see what new adventures were in store. Now, I’m not so sure about any of that. But, either way, coincidences do happen, and I had gotten to a point where I just chalked it up to randomness and the simplicity of unrelated events (with related qualities) that happened at or around the same time. No big deal, right?
Lately though, it’s just too much, and something that I can’t seem to just shrug off.
I see a quote in one place while doing something, and then see the exact same quote somewhere else, while doing something completely different a few days later, and said quote is completely relevant to my life at that moment. Or, when I’m reading some stuff on discipline and ways to hone/improve it, and then come across a different quote that reinforces the value of being disciplined. A couple of times, I wrote a post or two about a particular topic, and then that same topic ends up being a prompt from Day One or the Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge. I mean – come on. Seriously? What gives?
Back in the day, I would have taken this as a sign that the universe was speaking to me; telling me that I was right the whole time and that everything does happen for a reason. And I would feel validated by that. Craving that validation, my mind starts to drift in that direction, but then, my logic kicks in and says, “But wait, is it really that? Or is that just what you want to believe, and you’re looking for an excuse to believe it? Look at the facts, the data, all the times that a thing was literally just a thing and there was no reason behind it. What about that?”
*sigh*
I don’t like this. I don’t like not being able to figure out the answer. Math? There’s an answer. Lots of ways to get there, perhaps, but there is a verifiable answer in any case. Physics (talking macro level mechanics here, not quantum theory) – there is an answer. If you add 2 plus 2, it is always 4. If you drop a 5lb ball from 120ft, you can figure out how long it will take to hit the ground, and that answer will be the same on paper or in practice. This shit, though? This has no right or wrong, no verifiable answer. No one that I know of in the history of humanity has ever really figured this shit out. If they have, they need to share with the rest of us! And if they died with that secret, shame on them!
Now, to be clear, I love searching for the answer. I love thinking, pondering, writing, researching, exploring, experimenting. I love solving problems and figuring out answers. But that gut wrenching feeling of what it would be and what it could mean to not find an answer, to never know? That’s the part I don’t like. I’ve never been ok with the idea of “it is what it is” or “that’s just life”. Fuck that. I want answers.
This actually reminds me of a Nine Inch Nails song… “I Do Not Want This” from Downward Spiral. Not really related to the topic here, but it popped in my head.
Anyway, back to the topic. Coincidence. I was just about to go to the dictionary and pull over some definitions, but I don’t know that that’s going to be helpful here. The definition of the word is not going to tell me why they happen, or why they seem to have personal significance. And so, I find myself right back to the same place I’ve been for months – years, really. Asking the question, “why” or “what’s the reason?” and having no solid answer, and no lead to finding one. It’s exhausting but invigorating at the same time. I just. I don’t know. I think I need to sleep on it some, maybe my dreams will inspire a different approach in the morning.
Until then…. good night!
A Peculiar Cerebral Tangle 