Category: Random

So, 10:37pm on day four of high dose steroids for an MS relapse. If recent history repeats itself, I will be wired all night and up until at least 3am, get two to three hours of sleep, and then get up to start my day all over again. Oh, the joys of stimulants.

Anyway, I got tired of cleaning up, reorganizing dressers and drawers and cabinets, so I decided to veg out and watch a show I found on Netflix that’s kinda interesting. It’s called Supernatural. I know this is probably old news to most people, but I don’t do the TV thing very often, so it’s new to me. In the episode i just watched, one of the Winchester brothers encountered a Djinn, also known as Jinn, Djinni, and more recently, thanks mostly to Disney, Genie. These are mythical creatures of Arabic origin who grant wishes. But what Disney doesn’t tell you is that in some of the myths and legends, the Djinn actually feed off the souls or energy or even blood of the human victims. That’s where this episode went.

So, one quick note. Steroids are a stimulant, as I mentioned. They increase blood glucose, appetite, blood pressure, metabolism, heart rate, and they make it so you can’t sleep. I’ve gotten about 8.5 hours of sleep since I woke up Friday of last week. Sleep deprivation is a funny thing too, because it does things to you. Aside from the tiredness, sandpaper eyelids, and slight detachment from reality, it does funny things to your mind. You think of things that normally you would dismiss because they’re nonsense. But, you’re so tired, it doesn’t really matter; your mind just goes there, unrestricted. And that’s what brings me to this moment.

As I was watching this episode, Dean Winchester was shown the life that he would have lived had his wish been granted, and it was beautiful. Everything he ever wanted. His mother was alive, he had a beautiful wife, his brother was in law school and recently engaged. Everyone was happy. But, he then found that all the people that he helped in his old life suffered and died because he didn’t save them. It got me thinking.

For the longest time, I wished more than anything that I could have my dad back, that he never got sick, never died, we stayed a family. I would have finished premed, gone on to med school, and probably become a surgeon. I would likely not be living where I am, nor met any of the people that I’ve known over the years. I would have helped lots of people in big ways – I would have honestly saved lives in the realest, most literal sense possible.

But what price would that have if that wish were to come true? What people in my current life would be negatively affected? How have I helped people in my current life, just by being the weird, wacked out, intellectual, fucked up train wreck that I am? I mean – my life isn’t a fucking TV show, I don’t get all the answers at the end of a 40-minute episode, but what if the life I’ve led is actually more significant as far as helping people than it would have been if I was a doctor? It’s possible – saving and helping people isn’t just about life or death in an immediate situation, right? You can have a significant impact on people in other ways. I mean, I will never know for sure, but I’m seriously wondering now.

And aside from the whole helping people thing, which is huge to me, because I love to help people, what about the passions that I’ve discovered in my travels? Had I gone to med school, would I have ever discovered the wonders of physics and quantum mechanics and calculus? That stuff is absolutely fascinating, and I could read or talk about it for hours on end! And philosophy? Don’t even get me started on that. Had my dad never died and I never went through everything that happened after that, I never would have delved into philosophy and a lifelong search for meaning and purpose. Oh, and tattoos and piercings as emotional and individual expression? Never would have happened. My first tattoo was a memorial piece for my dad. Enough said. I never would have set foot into that world otherwise. Or would I…?

So many questions. My mind is reeling. I know, rationally, that past the existence of and access to alternate universes, I will never know what could or would have been. And some interpretations of quantum mechanics do posit the existence of alternate realities, but not necessarily access to them. So there’s that.

And where does this leave me, other than exhausted and fucking wired? I guess it means that I have to hope that I’ve made a positive impact on the lives I’ve come across, and at the very least, continue to make an effort to do so as my life goes on. To what end, I have no idea. But I do know that I do not have the mental capacity for such contemplation at this point, so I’m going to go back to the couch, grab some decaf coffee and try to relax to the point that I can actually drift off for a little bit maybe. And if not, I may be back.

Good night for now!