I miss days when life was simpler, but I’m not sure anymore if it’s that the world or my perception of it is what has changed more…
Category: Random
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Letting go gives you freedom to be.
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Anxiety is a very real thing for some people, and I’m talking about the type of thing that goes far beyond normal anxious stress about things. This does not refer to the butterflies before a big presentation at work, or the sweaty palms when meeting your crush for dinner. What I’m talking about is the crippling, terror inducing anxiety that effectively renders you useless for any activity that requires rational thought.
I have dealt with that feeling, I have struggled with those kinds of racing, chaotic thoughts that feel like they’re simply going to come flying out of your head for all the world to see and criticize and ridicule. Or that sometimes, feel like they are going to split your head in two and leave you a twitching, spineless pile of goo on the floor. Speaking of, that thought reminds of me of the backpiece I started designing years ago. It is a self-portrait. I am screaming, hands clutching the skin falling off my face as my skull is splitting open and the entire universe is rushing out of the top of my head. I need to get back into drawing again and finish that piece and get it started on skin….
Anyway, I had a point here. Back to that.
I have gotten to a point where I can sometimes use my anxiety as a weapon against itself. For example, at work. I have a tendency to double, triple, quadruple check things. This, of course, is inefficient, and led to missed deadlines and late nights and arguments with my husband and exhaustion and stress and burnout. So, being the problem solver that I am, I asked myself, how can I satisfy my need to check things, but still deliver quality work on time? Simple, really. Do smaller checks more often during the project. Take a firm, concise mental note of each verification, and move on. It really does sound simple, and it really is that simple, but it is hard as hell to see that simplicity when you’re in the middle of a compulsive, anxiety ridden episode. But once you get a feel for it, and more so, learn to trust yourself enough, it really does work. It provides the comfort of checking something multiple times, but it is built into your process, so takes less time than doing multiple big checks at the end, highlighting problems during the project so they can be fixed with less effort.
For a long time, I struggled with OCD. I still have my moments, don’t get me wrong. But one mental health professional told me once, with regard to my obsession for checking things – locks, the stove, the dogs, whatever – take a picture. Literally, take a picture of what you’ve checked with your phone. It will have a timestamp, and is available if you start spiraling downward to remind you that you did what you should have done, even when your mind is screaming that you need to check it yet again. I got to the point that I could take a mental picture of whatever, and be ok. Mind you, this is progression from a written list with checks, circles, boxes and Xs to denote my checks before leaving the house, which would sometimes take upwards of an hour. And now, I take a mental picture, and most times, am fine.
I believe that any problem has a solution, and that any difficulty can be turned on its head and used as a tool. Can’t sleep? Use that time to be productive and reduce your stress level the following day. Can’t focus? Go for a walk, get your steps in, and a change of scenery. Can’t think straight? Draw, or do some stream of consciousness writing. Capitalize on whatever the difficulty is.
And if all else fails, remember to just breathe.
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It’s so strange that some people are just incredibly inadaptable. People exist in the world who literally cannot handle even the slightest bit of chaos or change. It baffles me.
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Why the hell is printer ink so freaking expensive??
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Silence is underestimated.
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My aunt lost her husband last year. This post is for her.
Grieving someone means that you go through the five stages of grief, in no particular order, and any number of times for each stage. These stages include:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Accptance
Now, these stages can take turns – it’s not at all a linear progression. You can be in the depression stage, and go right back to denial. Or be comfortable in the bargaining stage, jump to acceptance, and go right back anger. Sometimes, you can be in multiple stages in a single moment. It is a process, and it fucking sucks. Everyone’s timeline is different, everyone’s process is different, and there is nothing at all wrong with how anyone grieves. Unless of course, we’re talking about thoughts of mass murder, or ritualistic sacrifice of pets…..that may require a therapist or even a hiatus in a mental ward. But, I digress.
Grief is an emotional process with identifiable stages. It may be a process that never truly ends, but it is something that can heal to an extent. A teacher of mine in high school told me after my father passed that the hole in my chest would never heal completely, but it would close a bit with time.
Missing someone is related, but completely different. There are no stages – you feel the impact of that person’s absence in so many ways. You crave their presence, their smile, their voice, their mannerisms, their idiosyncrasies. You miss literally everything about them. You think you hear or see them in daily life even though you know they are gone. You are flat out sad and empty without them. There is no healing when it comes to missing someone. It simply becomes a part of your existence, a permanent ache in your soul.
But the thing to remember is that this person loved you, and they want you to live life to the fullest, even without them. They will see you on the other side, and will want to hear all about your adventures after they had to leave.
So. with that in mind – and I say this to myself, my aunt, and anyone else who is missing and or grieving for someone – go forth, be adventurous, do your thing – have something interesting to talk about when you see that loved one again, not just how you spent the rest of your life sad because they had things to do elsewhere.
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In my early 20s, I regularly carried a notebook with me that was specifically dedicated to all the random thoughts I had throughout the day. Sometimes, I would expand on a thought in a different notebook, but this one was specific to those random thoughts that just demanded to be acknowledged. I titled this notebook “The little book of insanity”.
Truth be told, I miss carrying that notebook, and the outlet it provided.
So, I am going to post a random thought (from the multitude of random thoughts I have) here, every day. Maybe I’ll start carrying my little book of insanity again, but this is a start to potentially reinstating it.
Here is today’s thought:
I want a fucking cigarette
Look for posts titled “RTotD – [date].
Have a great night!
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There was a prompt yesterday from Day One, and I was super excited to write about it, but fell asleep because I was exhausted from other stuff, so here it is….
Prompt: You get to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?
Oooooh….. this would include a space for drawing as well, but here goes. Please note: factors of cost, feasibility or practicality are not being considered. At all.
Ok, to start, this would be a stand-alone thing, located in a wooded area near a creek or river. The sound of water moving (or falling, like rain), calms me. The building would be made of wood and potentially brick, a log cabin type thing. It would have large windows to allow for lots of natural light if desired, but with shutters or black out drapes for those days that light just irritates the shit out of me. It would also have a fireplace, and generously sized skylights for star gazing on frigid nights. Also, the skylights would have covers to block out light when desired, because, yeah. I’m weird like that.
Inside the structure would be cozy but not crowded. It would contain a few different things.
In one corner, a wooden desk built in/attached to part of two walls. The desk would be made of hard wood, like oak or maple, and have a darker stain color. Dark cherry perhaps. The desk would have spots for storage on both sides, especially for notebooks/drawing pads and writing/drawing implements. The edges of the desk would be bark. I love that unfinished look.
One side of the desk would have a space for my computer and notebooks. This would be the writing side. The other side would be for drawing, and would include some kind of draft table type functionality that can be concealed when not in use.
In the opposite corner, I would have a simple, overly cushioned chair, where I could sit with my book in hand with my elbows resting on my thighs/knees. I know this doesn’t seem comfortable for most, but it works for me. Also, this area would have a large, pillow stuffed lounging area. This whole thing would be the reading area.
I would have lots of bookshelves, and various pieces of art hung on available wall space.
So, yeah. That’s my ideal reading/writing/drawing space.
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What is your all time favorite automobile?
Mid to late 80s Ford Escort, hatchback, 5 speed.
It’s what I learned to drive stick in, it is little, fun to drive, minimal to maintain and easy to fix if something did break.
Close second was an early 90s Dodge Shadow. Also pretty easy to maintain, though good luck if the fuel pump takes a shit! What a pain to get to!! I tell you what though, it’s a freaking tank in the snow!
😝
A Peculiar Cerebral Tangle 