“Detrimental” has been my word lately, apparently.
Category: Random
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When my mind races, it’s… it’s ultra high-speed thoughts about a million different things, but the thoughts aren’t necessarily fully formed thoughts. The core idea is there and then it’s zoomy zoom to the next thing. The emotions associated with the thought are there, i think… if there was one tied to it… Anyway…
Point is that my mind is racing away, but it is in such a rush that it never finishes its thought. I find that funny.
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Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
I decided not to pursue my dream of becoming a surgeon. I remember that night very well. I was laying in the grass, staring up at the moon. I had been having a very animated conversation in my head.
Anxious and exhausted, i took a deep breath and tried to quiet my mind, just staring at the sky. In an amazing moment of clarity, I realized that I could never be a doctor because losing a patient would utterly destroy me, even if I had done everything perfectly. Statistically speaking, I was guaranteed to lose a patient, and therefore guaranteed to destroy myself. I then asked myself – so what will I be if not a surgeon?
I still don’t have an answer, but I have learned so much since then. I’m actually starting to wonder if I even need an answer to that question that is more specific than, “I am a student of the universe.”
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The absolute earliest memory that i have as a child is all sensory. I remember feeling very tall. i was bouncing a little bit, and I remember everything being really bright. I then remember going into a darker environment, but the brightness still shone through these big glass doors that i had gone through. I stopped moving for a minute, and there was noise – people talking – and then I was moving again. As I move forward, which was actually backward because of how i was facing, I see a woman in a dark green skirt and jacket sitting at a desk, and she turned, and smiled and waved at me as I moved away.
This memory pops up in my head randomly, and it’s always the same. For a long time, i never really thought about what it was. Then, it hit me. I felt so tall and bouncy because i was being carried. My father was 5’11” – he was carrying me into the military hospital where my mother was recovering from the C-section she had to deliver my sister. the brightness is because we were in the Arizona desert.
i don’t remember the words that were spoken. I just remember feeling so tall, and being excited and curious. I felt safe, and I was in awe of the world around me.
Happy Friday!
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What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?
1 – my dogs
2 – making someone genuinely smile.
3 – writing
4 – the laughter of a baby
5 – cracking/stretching my back
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Describe something you learned in high school.
Something I learned in high school… trig proofs.
Something I learned outside of school while in high school…i have no idea. Life is the pinnacle of teachers. Effective even if the lessons start early.
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This is a saying that you hear all the time, and i take slight issue with it and want to clarify how this works for me.
Physically, i haven’t felt my age in quite a while. My body feels much older than my physical age, because it has…. electrical and resulting functional issues. My mind, on the other hand, doesn’t. (knock on wood!) It is young, vibrant and curious. I had a conversation with someone at work about this today, and it has reignited my curiosity about this whole thing.
it seems that whatever age you see yourself as/feel like in your mind has some sort of significance (research ongoing with this), be that life stability, sobriety, major life events or whatever the case may be. My first thought on this was that once this mental image of yourself is set, it doesn’t change, but I’ve realized that that’s not the case. i’ve been thinking a lot about this today, and for a long time, i was probably about 17 in my mind. Later, that shifted to 24. Perhaps even later in life, it will shift again. I don’t know, but i plan to ask more people and continue my research.
and to be clear, this has nothing to do with maturity, intelligence, or responsibility or anything of the sort. I think it has more to do with outlook, how you see and approach the world, and life. And how you see yourself relative to the world and the people in it.
I have to wonder if other people think about this kinda shit without being prompted, and if so, what do they see in their mind’s eye? and how has it changed as they’ve gotten older? So many questions… i need a name plate that says “Laura – Asker of Questions”…
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What’s something most people don’t understand?
Themselves.
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I’m working on something, and came across something i wrote almost 20 years ago, and i was talking about how life’s ultimate destination is death and humanity’s ultimate desire is survival. I went on to talk about the two choices in any struggle that life throws at you – give up, or fight.
I was thinking last night – I have seen both sides of this coin firsthand. I have seen people fight with every single ounce of strength that they have, and even some they didn’t even realize they had. I have seen people give up and simply spend their time waiting for the inevitable, doing next to nothing to improve their situation in the meantime. The results are or will be the same – we all die. Some would argue that that simple fact begs the question, “so what’s the point in fighting?”
To me, the point in fighting is to not accept defeat. To live your life on your terms in spite of anything that life is going to throw your way. Life is hard, no matter who you are. It’s confusing and complicated and difficult and uncertain and scary as hell. But, if you give up, the only thing that really goes away is the uncertainty. If you give up, give in, roll over and wait for death to come for you, the only thing you get out of that is likely its hastened arrival. Or, a lifeless existence perpetuated my minimal yet meaningless effort. If, on the other hand, you fight tooth and nail for what you want, you will gain knowledge, experiences and perspective that you never had before. And, you get to fill your time with something other than thinking about how much life sucks.
I, for one, am all for the fight. Yes, it’s draining. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, we all eventually ‘lose’ in the end. But in my eyes, the hardest of hard is a hundred billion times better than not even trying.
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Why is everything about blame? Seriously. Fix the fucking problem, and then use an appropriate amount of energy to figure out the cause (if possible), then mitigate or remove it, and move the fuck on. it really is pretty fucking simple.
A Peculiar Cerebral Tangle 