I’ve been thinking about this a lot the past few days…. I do talk about myself in the third person sometimes, especially when writing in my journal, and I am very curious as to two things. 1 – does anyone else do this? and 2 – what does this stem from? Why does my brain/mind sometimes choose to ignore or diminish its own existence? What is the coping mechanism at play here, because I have this sneaking suspicion that this is not a “normal” thing.
Category: Ponderings
-
I disagree with this idea, for a couple of reasons.
First, it defies logic. 1+1 does not equal 1, unless we’re talking about one sperm and one egg joining to create an embryo. But in that case, the sperm and the egg each only have half the genetic material necessary to create an embryo, so that situation is actually 0.5 + 0.5 =1, which makes sense.
Now, since we are each born as a whole being, that means we are complete on our own. Any completeness that someone may be seeking will only be found within themselves, not from any external thing or entity.
I believe this idea started in Greek mythology, and humans were said to be these strange beings with 4 arms, 4 legs and two faces….Even now, the mental image of this is bizarre and difficult to comprehend… Anyway, for whatever reason, Zeus got a bug up his ass, split all the humans, scattered them, and we were then doomed to roam the earth in search of our other half. Nice story, but I don’t buy it.
I just wonder why we’ve held on to this idea, why we curse ourselves generation after generation with this delusion that we are incomplete without this elusive counterpart. Why do we not instead think of ourselves as intact from the get go, and view relationships to/with others as ways to accentuate our qualities and experience things in life?
I also wonder where the world would be by now if had it been populated the whole time with people who knew their entire lives that they were complete as they were? A bunch of people searching only for experiences and things they are passionate about, not someone to make them whole or worthy as a result of that wholeness. How much happier would humanity be?
-
Control is a funny thing. It is a bundle of deception wrapped in a pretty package that looks like stable predictability. But it is all an illusion. A sparkly, beautiful, self-defeating illusion.
There are millions, if not more, variables that impact any given day or event in your life. The idea that you have any amount of control over what happens simply baffles me. Complete control over events simply cannot happen, and I think the people in the world who are most at peace are intimately familiar with this fact.
The one and only thing that you can control in life is your response, which – for the record – is not the same as a reaction. Most people react to things, and they are exerting no control in doing so, but don’t realize that. A response is more thoughtful than a reaction. Reactions are almost automatic, and rarely rational. If you can temper those reactions and take the time to respond instead, it is then that you are in control, and only of yourself.
-
I have a bunch of random inspirations, ideas half formed that I want to turn into interesting pieces going down various rabbit holes. But, there is something more interesting to me at the moment that I want to explore, and that is the idea of anger. I’ve written before that Anger is a gift, and that anger is actually rooted in self-preservation.
If these things are true, which I believe they are – why, then, do some people have such a hard time dealing with anger, attempting to stifle it rather than let it serve its purpose?
In some cases, it’s truly a case of “this is not the time”, which is fine – it is actually impressive in some situations that people recognize that. In other cases, we try to spare the feelings of whomever we are mad at, which could be questionable depending on the circumstances. In other cases, a person is taught that having “negative” emotions of any kind is bad, wrong, not acceptable, or flat out dangerous in terms of their own safety. This, in my opinion, is the wrong approach. Anger, just like any emotion, is valid and acceptable, discounting cases of anger being the excuse for abuse. That just makes you an asshole who can’t deal with their emotions or control their actions. But, I digress.
In this last case, why do we, as a society, tell people that an emotion that stems from a need to protect ourselves from some threat is bad? Why do we not, instead, teach people how to properly express or experience anger and teach them appropriate, safe, and effective ways to deal with it? Why do we assign any objective value to a subjective experience? Sadness or anger or grief or whatever the case is, are not inherently negative, though it does suck to experience them. Why do we attempt to stop what the person is feeling rather than allow them to feel it, process it, and then let it go in time? Or simply sit with them in the thick of the sludge until they are ready and then help them to find a way to climb out, clean off, and move on?
I think perhaps it’s because these “negative” emotions make people uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe they’re not healed themselves, or they have a good handle on dealing with their own emotions but are uncomfortable with sitting with someone going through an emotional shit storm of their own. I don’t know. But, it may be helpful to look to animals to answer this question. Animals have emotions just like we do. If you don’t believe that, you lack a soul. Just sayin.
Anyway – back to what I was saying. I have three dogs. Two of them are brothers, and before they were neutered, went after each other sometimes. Over food, over attention, or because one of them just got a bug up their ass and was cranky that day. But, one is devastated and lost if the other leaves without them (like to the vet), and any random 20 seconds of teeth baring, growling, ferocious interaction is forgotten within minutes. They recognize something that I think a lot of us don’t – emotions serve a purpose and should be experienced/expressed, but are transient in the sense that the immediate anger does not negate the fact that they love each other. As humans, we tend to think too much. “I’m mad, and if I tell this person I am mad at them, they will hate me, or think I’m a bad person, or don’t love them” or whatever. The dog thought process? “Hey, that’s my human, get away! Fuck you! *growling/snarling, etc* oh, ok, we’re good now. wanna sniff some poop and then go cuddle on the couch?” Seriously, how did we let these big frontal cortexes of ours interfere with something so beautiful and natural?
I have said before, and experienced plenty of times, that the only way to get through an emotion and let it go is to go through it. Or, in more familiar terms, “the only way out is through.” It really is true. If you allow yourself to feel something – no matter what it is – it will have its moment of occupying space and time in your mind, and then move on to whatever is next in its ethereal existence. Trying to suppress emotions only forces them to find other ways to have the effect they were meant to have, and makes it that much more intense to deal with when you are forced to. And I promise, you will be forced to at some point.
-
Random memory time!!
I was…. 11, maybe 12?
I had been running up the stairs, fell, and smacked my shin against the hard wood stairs. We gave it a couple of days to heal, and as the pain and my ability to walk got worse, my parents decided to take me to the emergency room.
The only thing I knew at that point was that going to the ER was a big deal. In all of my very well earned, 11-year-old wisdom, I went downstairs while my mom was getting dressed and my dad was in the shower. I propped my leg up on the deep freezer we had in the kitchen, stifling my pain. I then proceeded to beat the crap out of my injured leg with my fist. I had to make sure that this was worthy of an ER visit.
I wound up being diagnosed with a hematoma (fancy name for a bruise, though they vary in severity), was on crutches for six weeks, and still have an indentation in my shin bone, which I am quite sure was not caused by my fist0.
So yeah, there’s that.
-
Why is it that people engage in behavior that hurts them in response to
behavior from others that also hurt them?Everyone has been there or witnessed it. You’ve been wronged by, pissed off by, or neglected/ignored by someone you care about. You reach for junk food. Or booze. Or drugs. Or a knife/razor blade. Or any other self-destructive coping mechanism, including simply shutting down. All of these things are harmful to you. You – the person you’re trying to protect or comfort or calm – this hurts you. Again. And it does nothing to address the problem. And contrary to the very emotionally inspired “I’ll show them!” mentality….it does nothing at all to vindicate or validate you.
I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. Repeatedly. But that realization is pretty profound. Why the hell would I hurt myself in an effort to get back at someone who hurt me? That makes absolutely no fucking sense. I am a rational person; logic is a good friend of mine. I am incredibly baffled by the fact that I thought this way – for a very long time – and never realized the horrible logic involved!
I know what it is to be stuck there, and feel like this is your way out. But what if – just for shits and giggles here – we take a second to stop, and ask ourselves what we really want and if what we’re about to do will accomplish that goal? That is an immense ask, I know. But for anyone struggling with this kinda thing – take a second, whether in the moment or not, and ask yourself these questions. The answer may change you.
-
Almost everyone in the world has heard of a person being a “jack of all trades”, but I have actually heard it expanded. I don’t know what the original is or who wrote it. It’s something like – and I’m paraphrasing here – “a jack of all trades and a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one”
Generalism as a word is actually not found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, though generalist is. An internet search for generalism gives you articles on medicine, ethics, a few on butterflies of all things, and random definitions – all of which basically state that generalism is the practice of not specializing your knowledge base.
I have come to realize that I am a generalist. I know tidbits about a lot of different things, but I am not necessarily an expert in anything. I am ok with that. I truly believe that knowing more about many different things is better than knowing everything about one particular thing. It opens your mind to possibilities, to relationships between things. I know now that being stuck in a certain area of knowledge – like medicine or physics or finance – wouldn’t be enough for me. Yes, it would be riveting and fascinating, but still somehow….. not fulfilling. And that I am not ok with.
-
How many times have you said this to others or yourself? And how many of those times was it actually true?
I’m truly beginning to question anyone saying this, including myself.
I have seen many instances of someone saying this, but they really do care. They have a preference, or they would be hurt by a particular outcome, or whatever the case may be. But those words and feelings are stifled by the urge to please, or the need to not hurt someone else. And, for the record, not hurting someone else can often hurt you in the process, and neither is actually less hurtful than saying what you think right off the bat.
And this applies to situations where you did the right thing, but there was negative feedback, or you were hurt in the process of doing the right thing. You say, “I don’t care” or, even better – “I don’t care anymore“. And you do care. You care hardcore, from the tips of your toes to the top of your head and from there to the moon and back – you. fucking. care. But you’re putting up a front so you don’t have to deal with the pain of still caring. But ya know what?? The pain you cause yourself by ignoring the pain of caring is worse than anything, because it impacts not only you, but others that you care about, and you don’t even realize.
-
Earth, air, fire and water – the four elements.
I was outside this morning reading. The wind blew gently as the sun hid behind the newest batch of fluffy, cotton ball like clouds. I was grateful, because the sun and I are not exactly friends. I started thinking about the elements, wondering which of the four is most powerful. After some thought, I came to the initial conclusion that water is the most powerful, because it can extinguish fire and crumble stone. Then, I started thinking about the fact that air feeds fire and transports earth and water, and there is a certain power in that as well. Taking that a step further, earth can contain both water and air, and extinguish fire. Fire, especially intense ones, can vaporize water or transform earth.
I then thought about the fact that there are four fundamental forces in the universe. There is the strong force, the weak force, electromagnetic force and gravitational force. The strength of this particular set of forces is based on each force’s power relative to the strong force – the force that holds the atoms in your body (or anything else, for that matter) together. Thinking more about it, I don’t think there is any sort of direct correlation, but it is an interesting coincidence.
Some oddities and questions…. The fundamental numbers in existence – the Fibonacci sequence – do not include the number four. 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8,13, 21, etc….. the numeral 4 certainly appears, but 4 itself is not part of the sequence. Considering the sequence’s relevance to everything else in existence, if the four elements and four forces were the real deal, 4 should be part of the Fibonacci sequence. So what are we missing or not considering? Or what incorrect assumptions were made? Additionally, Tesla’s work on numbers and frequency said that 3, 6, and 9 were the most powerful numbers. 3 is part of Fibonacci, and the other two are simply multiples of that base number. The electromagnetic force is a two-part thing, technically – electricity and magnetism. Are they truly two sides of the same coin, or are they distinct things? And, you can use one to create the other, so how does that factor in? What causes the strong force, and why is that the bar that the other forces are measured against?
So many questions, and so many directions to go to find answers. I posted earlier that my curiosity can be paralyzing, and this is why. I have a thought, which leads to another, which leads to questions and those to even more questions. It is a never-ending stream of inquisitiveness, and I find it impossible sometimes to choose a direction!
-
For a very long time, I hated being alone. I could not stand my own company for the most part, because it came with a host of emotions and turmoil and chaotic thoughts. Writing and reading and drawing were sometimes distraction enough to get through it, or served as outlets. But eventually, I would fall into that internal pit of despair.
Things have changed. I now crave my own company, a chance to sit in the quiet and simply exist; process things without expectations from other people. To think, and to imagine and create things that truly inspire me.
Expectations truly are one of the worst things about existence. We all have expectations of other people, and I believe I’ve written about this before – no one in the world has any obligation to fulfill the expectations you have of them. The only person you can truly expect something of is yourself. The rare exception to that is parents. Parents have an obligation, by virtue of bringing another living being into the world, to provide for that being and teach them how to provide for themselves.
In my mind, I hear, “Well, what about making a promise? That creates an obligation, doesn’t it?” Yes, technically, it does. But it’s different – it has the qualities of an agreement. When you are a parent, you have this obligation, but it wasn’t an agreement of any kind. You simply did what you did, and now are responsible for this life, this being that you helped to create. That life literally didn’t exist before you made a choice that resulted in its creation, and it had no input into that decision.
In everyday life, people make and break promises all the time, and there are other expectations that come into play. You make a promise, generally with an expectation of your own of some kind, and that complicates things. In a parent/child relationship, no such complication exists. You created this life, and because of that, have an obligation to it. I don’t think people become parents with an expectation of what kind of person that child will be. Hopes maybe, but that hope comes (or should come) with the understanding that your actions as a parent will shape what kind of person your child becomes.
Now, I could very well be wrong about all of this. I have only ever had experience with one side of that relationship – I am not a parent. But I have observed this relationship in different forms throughout my life, and for the most part, what I’ve said seems to be true.
All this to say that expectations set us up to be disappointed in most cases. Even if someone does what you expect, if it’s not done how you expect, that could let you down just as much. I want to be able to truly have no expectations of anyone but myself, but I’m unsure how to accomplish that goal. Expectations, or the formation of them, seem to be ingrained in our minds, so finding and altering the root of that may prove difficult. Not to mention the fact that expectations are most certainly entangled in our emotions, which makes removing them a monumental task.
A Peculiar Cerebral Tangle 