Category: Ponderings

If your life were a book

September 9th, 2023

I like to read. At one point, I was definitely a bookworm. I get so wrapped up in whatever I am reading, the whole world just disappears from my awareness. It doesn’t matter if it’s fiction or not. If it grabs my attention, good luck getting me to do anything but read until I am done with it.

When I was reading one of Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time books, my favorite character died. I was so invested in the story, I could see each scene and hear every conversation in my mind. I would try to get into the characters’ minds and figure out what they were thinkin, what their motivations were, and what they would do next. When I read that paragraph, and saw the death of my favorite character in my mind, I was devastated. I literally threw the book across the room and have not picked up that series since.

I saw something earlier today that basically said that you can’t skip chapters of your life just because they are painful or difficult or you don’t like them. You have to read the whole book, cover to cover. If your life were a book, you couldn’t throw it across the room if you got upset at a plot twist. This brings up two things in my mind. First – I should maybe restart that series and power through my emotional reaction to my favorite character’s demise and give the rest of the characters a chance to finish their stories in my head. Second – bad chapters or events you don’t like don’t ruin the whole experience of a book. The same applies to life. You have to finish your story regardless. Might as well look forward to what’s waiting on the next page. Who knows? It could be a great plot twist….
A new place

September 8th, 2023

Observing life from a remote perspective and from a place where bullshit and antics can’t get to you is a really interesting feeling. It’s a skill I’d like to develop. Based on what I’ve experienced of it so far, I like it.

I have always been a pretty calm person. Even in some of the most fucked up situations, I kept my cool and did what had to be done. I had shit to take care of, people who depend on me, and that came before any emotional, reactionary bullshit. But, once I was alone, everything fell apart. That roller coaster ride is absolutely insane, not to mention fucking exhausting. And let’s not talk about the possibility of developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes, those mechanisms could be a shit ton of fun, but definitely not something you’d want to incorporate into daily life.

Lately, I find that I can detach from situations. I notice that I would normally get mad or upset about the situation, but then let that feeling just pass right on through. Like seeing someone you know while driving or walking around town. You wave, they wave. You’ve acknowledged each other, but you continue your separate ways without stopping to interact. But in this case, it’s not a person, it’s emotions. Sometimes, it’s emotion that, normally, would completely fuck up your day. It’s so strange. But liberating.

To be clear, I’m not in any way saying that I have shit all figured out, because I don’t. That’s for damn sure. I have moments of emotion that I can’t just let go of. I have blind rage moments, crushing sadness moments, moments of crippling self-doubt….just like anybody else. This new way of looking at things, though, this new place that my mind can observe things from…I noticed it recently but it really hit me today. It’s not an all day or even every day thing. Still strapped in to that roller coaster for sure. But, I now think there’s actually a way to step off that ride safely. I just have to get to that new place more often. Get the address, go there, set up some furniture, maybe even decorate. Make it somewhere I am comfortable being long term.

That’s the plan, anyway. Wish me luck!
Observations

September 6th, 2023

I’ve been saying for a long time that the news media and politicians have this hidden agenda to divide and conquer the people of this country, and for that matter, the world. And everything that they do – every overly sensationalized news story, topic, political stunt (or blunder cover up/excuse) or what have you is carefully orchestrated or scripted to achieve the goal of obtaining and maintaining control over the everyday people in the world. And it’s bullshit.

I have, however, been noticing a trend that gives me hope. If you know me, you know that I’m very into music. Whatever genre, I don’t care. Music is magic and powerful. Music is so many things – therapy, expression, a mechanism for social change and commentary. And that is only to name a few. Either way, I’ve been hearing more and more songs lately that speak up against this elitist agenda and the tactics they are using to turn people against one another. And the interesting part is that most of this is coming from independent artists. Those with no big record label or PR firm. Just real people saying real things. And that is inspiring. It inspires hope. It inspires action. And we need more of it.

If you know of any artists like this, please send me a link. Not only will I appreciate the opportunity to expand my library, I will share it, spread the message, and give the artist a small bit of exposure in my corner of the world.

Rock on! 🤟
Asshole – a definition

September 4th, 2023

We all know what an asshole is, because we all have one. It is the slang term for the orifice through which fecal matter exits the body.

But, when you call someone an asshole, what exactly do you mean? What are the criteria required in order to bestow that illustrious title? I’m going to detail my main criteria below.

Please note – any combination of one or more of the following, especially on a recurrent basis, will qualify you as an asshole in my opinion.

You intentionally, knowingly, and willfully harm another human being or animal that is not a threat to your life, and/or feel little to no remorse for doing so. Examples: people who neglect the animals they “care for” to the point of the animal suffering or worse, verbally/emotionally/physically abusive people, people who hunt for sport

People who put their monetary/social/professional success or advancement ahead of the basic needs of those impacted by their decisions. Example: You are the CEO of a company, and you get confidential word that the proverbial shit is about to hit the fan. You keep this information close, sell all your company stock, then vote with the board to give yourselves tens of millions each in bonus money that year. The 2,000 plus employees of the company, as well as countless shareholders are left with nothing, and had no time to prepare for this catastrophe.

You lie to benefit yourself or your goals. Example: You lie to a coworker who happens to be up for the same promotion as you about the instructions given for a particular project so that they take things in the wrong direction. When management rejects their proposal, you swoop in and present your own “spur of the moment” ideas based on the actual instruction, receiving praise and securing the promotion in the process. (Side note – if you find yourself in a situation where lying is the only way to protect yourself from harm, like with an abusive parent or spouse, this does not apply.)

You are rude or mean to wait staff, customer service reps, or any others in service positions.

You are an able-bodied person and don’t return your shopping cart to a designated area.

You try to force others to adhere to your personal beliefs (of any kind) and get angry at them when they make a choice not to.

You are a career politician or a bureaucrat.

You utilize or adhere to stereotypes to form an opinion of someone before even speaking to them, use said stereotype to determine how you will treat them, and make assumptions about how they will behave or what they are capable of.

To be clear – asshole status is not necessarily permanent. A person could redeem themselves and achieve a non-asshole status, but it takes a lot of time, and hard work. And we all will have asshole-esque moments in our lives, but there’s a difference between acting like an asshole for a moment of time and being one in general. Don’t be an asshole in general.

Supplemental Reading: Asshole – an addendum
The dog brain theory

June 21st, 2023

I have a theory, and I’ve had this theory for years. Some may disagree, some may say, “holy shit, that’s gotta be it!”. Anyway, here it is.

All dogs, and I’m talking domesticated dogs, not wolves or anything like that in the wild, but dogs that you find in shelters, on the street, at a breeder’s, whatever. Dogs. They all have the same sized brain. Bear with me.

A chihuahua – the demon spawn of the canine world, who would rip you apart limb from limb (if it were capable). A pit bull or a lab – a great friend, gentle, intelligent (for the most part), stable. A saint bernard or a mastiff – a giant, loafing, doofy, drooling lump of lovable fur. All of these dogs have the same size brain, and their characteristics are a direct result of this simple fact.

Think about it. You put a ton of brainpower, or anything really, in a container that is too small for it, what happens? You get spillage. How does that spillage manifest in an animal? Aggression, bulgy eyes, twitchy movements, high pitched voice. You put that same amount of stuff in a container that is just the right size? It closes, everything fits, everyone is happy. The animal is relatively smart, well balanced, etc. You take the same amount of stuff and put it in a giant container, what do you have? Empty space. Enough said.

Now that is not to say that you can’t have well balanced rat dogs, or intelligent canine horses. There are exceptions to every rule. But, in general, this is the dog brain theory. Please let me know your thoughts.

Thank you for your time.
I miss the library.

June 19th, 2023

Gonna date myself a bit here, but I miss going to the library to research a topic, looking it up in the encyclopedia, then finding different references, looking them up in the card catalog, and finding books I wasn’t even looking for in the section I found myself in. It was an amazing experience, and a great way to gain knowledge. Internet searches are super convenient, don’t get me wrong, and being able to just google something to win an argument is pretty spiffy. But seriously, I miss those days. I think I might take a trip to the library sometime soon to do some research for a post I started on human intellect.

But honestly, there’s something to be said for going to a library and picking up different books on a topic, and sometimes winding up reading about something that you never intended to begin with. When I was a kid, during the summer I used to walk to the library from my house, about a mile away, and just spend hours there researching and reading whatever was on my mind that day. It was awesome. Sometimes, I would convince my mother to drop me off at the big library a couple of towns over before she went to work, and I read books, I looked at microfiche and microfilm (they didn’t have that stuff at the tiny library by my house). I would spend all day there and beg my mom (usually not successfully) to bring me back later in the week.

I dunno. Convenience is great, but only to an extent. I’m in a class now to earn my CPIM designation. I work with people who got that designation 20+ years ago, and the format was very different then. And I can’t help but think that the knowledge they acquired is more robust than what I’m being offered. Yes, you can condense information to accelerate the process, but there are nuances in expanded formats that offer knowledge in their own right. And I may not be getting that….

Anyway, this post is a tangent from what I was working on (human intellect), and I think serves to fill my quota of randomness for the day. It’s after 10 and I need to get to bed.

Adieu.
That moment right before sleep

June 18th, 2023

I was laying on the couch this afternoon, resting after a very long day yesterday. Afternoon sun, muted by cloud cover and blinds gave the room a nice, warm light. I notice that there’s this moment right as I was dozing off that my brain kinda takes off and goes to really random places, even for me.

I have noticed this before, but it has piqued my interest this time around. It’s this strange, half aware, half dreaming state.

I wonder if this happens to everyone. I also wonder what it would be like to extend the length of time spent in that state from a few seconds to a few minutes, and what doing that would entail. What is the electrochemical activity in the brain like at that point, and what purpose does this state serve?

I’ve been at that point and suddenly remembered something I had wanted to remember but couldn’t or got some grand inspiration for a problem I have been working on. What is it about this moment that allows those things to happen? Some research is in order….
Time passing

June 16th, 2023

I woke up this morning, and my first thought, other than the fact that it’s finally fucking Friday, was about how the passage of time is so strange. I was reminded of relativity, and one quote that is usually attributed to Einstein, but I don’t know where it actually came from. Anyway, it says something to the effect of: if you spend an hour with a chick you like, it feels like a minute, but if you put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, it feels like an hour. Or something like that.

In any case, time is weird. It passes at essentially the same speed for everyone, every single day, assuming that most of us aren’t in the types of relative motion that would illustrate the effects of special relativity in a way that we could see. But, our observation and perception of that passing can be different depending on our circumstances. I’ve posted a few things recently related to time, and how certain things don’t feel like they were half my lifetime ago, but here we are.

it’s so funny too, because we make comments like, “This week took forever.” and once that week is gone, it joins the rest of our memories, and gets conglomerated into a chunk of time that, later in life, we can’t believe happened so fast. But in reality, the time happened the same way, it’s just that how we perceive it changes.

This is a random topic for so early on a Friday, but I just had to share.

Happy Friday! May your perception be that the work day was almost instantaneous and the rest and relaxation of the weekend feels like a week!
Another “When did this happen?” moment

June 7th, 2023

So, I posted the other day about my best friend’s little brother, Robert, and how his 23rd birthday made me feel old. I was in for a gut punch today, apparently.

Robert’s older sister, Cyrah, who was 2 when I met her, is pregnant. Her and her husband made the announcement today. Holy gut-wrenching, happy but reality just bitch slapped you moment, batman! When the fuck did I get old?? A little girl whose diapers I used to change is now going to be changing diapers for her own little human! I am so happy for Cyrah and her husband, but at the same time, all I can think is, “what?!”.

It has been a long, strange, completely fubar week. I’m done. Time for that decaf I talked about before, and to get some much needed sleep!
Quiet Days

June 6th, 2023

Normally, I need music. Every day. The type of music varies with my mood and my thought process at the time, but in general, I’m usually listening to music of some kind. Usually.

Though there are some days, like today, where my brain has been in overdrive for so long that it can no longer process and enjoy music. It just irritates me. In fact, the sound of the fan running in the other room and my fingers on the keyboard as I type this are almost too much. It’s like the CPU of my brain is nearing critical failure because of overheating and the whole thing is starting to freeze up. I don’t like it when I get like this, but I suppose it is necessary.

Sometimes, we have to stop. We have to embrace and maybe try to enjoy the silence. We have to just exist for a moment, and appreciate that statistical miracle. I saw something the other day that said you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than to exist as you in the first place. I thought that was a little understated, so I did some digging and found one article where some doctor somewhere says that the odds of you being born are 1 in 10^2,685,000. I didn’t verify this, but that’s a pretty small chance.

And if you think about it, it’s probably true. Your parents had to meet in the first place, then the sperm and egg that would combine to create you as a genetic profile had to find each other and successfully combine and implant into the uterus to start the process of making you. The conditions in the womb would have had to be just so for you to be brought to term and born. And then, all of the experiences you had would have had to fall into place just so to create your memories, your world view, your outlook, your values, etc. etc., ad nauseam. It’s honestly pretty astounding.

But back to why I started this. Quiet. It’s so rare anymore. Even when there’s “no sound”, there is sound. There are cars driving by, appliances running, dogs breathing or barking, sometimes my own heartbeat. I wonder what real, actual silence would be like at this point. I’ve experienced it in my life before, but it’s been so long. I don’t know – I don’t know how comfortable I would be with it at this point because of how conditioned I am to hearing something all damn day.

I just. I want to go somewhere and experience silence, because I know that there are silent things to be heard. I know that makes no sense, but I know what I mean. In silence, you can hear your heart speak to you, you can find truth about yourself, I think. Again, it’s a matter of embracing the silence and see what you can observe. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I’m not sure that it’s just the brain overload of the past five days. Silence is calling to me for some reason.

The thing is, where can I go in this modern, technology filled world to experience that silence? Because even if I went deep into the woods, there would be birds, other animals, and insects to hear at the very least. This may be a new mission for me in the near future. Or perhaps, it’s just a random whim stemming from sleep deprivation. I just don’t know.

I wish I could sleep…