Category: A Knot in the Tangle

I just had a random thought, and it rendered my mind speechless. I literally just stared at what I wrote, my entire being just… humming.

‘You would never be in a toxic relationship with someone else if you didn’t have one with yourself first.’

Now that I see this incredibly simple fact, it is impossible to unsee. You know how in dramatic movies, when someone has a realization, there’s that moment? They start seeing all the puzzle pieces they missed in the situation in these crazy flashes. Everything comes rushing together and you see that epiphany in their face? Yeah, I just had one of those moments.

Think about anyone you know who has been in a toxic relationship. (and I don’t mean this in the buzzword sense. Just because you’re not compatible with someone doesn’t make them toxic. If you think it does, you need to have some sense beaten into you.) Seriously though, people in these toxic relationships (of any kind) who do end up leaving often times look inward in healthy ways – growing and healing as a result. Because they consciously mended the most important relationship of all… the one with themselves. The simplicity and utter fact behind this is fucking unreal. The reality of my own choices slapped me in the face and said, ‘yeah, how about *that*, dumbass?’

This got me thinking. Even in the most complicated situation, the simplest explanation is usually the answer. (Thanks, Occam!) What’s more complicated than humanity? I mean, seriously. We have the largest, most diverse ecosystem on the fucking planet. Literally. So…why does humanity always find itself in shitty situations? Is it possible that humanity is in a toxic relationship with itself? Can an entire species do collective shadow work? What would that even look like? What would the other side of that work look like? What would it *feel* like?

The possibilities here are insane. Could you imagine a world where people love themselves first and foremost? And how that would overflow to other people on the planet? And the strides we could make as a species if we stopped treating everything like a personal fucking attack?  It sounds wonderful, in theory… almost perfect. And yet, just thinking about the eutopia-esque existence that such a feat could accomplish, makes my stomach turn and fills me with a sense of dread because it would be completely unbalanced, which defies the laws of the universe. Balance is necessary, it is essential. It is woven into existence…

Waves have peaks and troughs.

Particles have opposite counterparts – up quarks and down quarks, for example.

Even forces in the universe have balance! Magnetism has two poles. The strong force and the weak force.

There is balance in everything – it is a requirement of existence.

Hmm… new thought. Strong force vs weak force – the strong force keeps atoms intact, the weak force forces them apart. Electromagnetism is a self-sustaining duality. So… What is gravity’s counterpart?

Gravity is attractive, as a force. As a feeling, it’s somber and heavy and immovable, which is an interesting linguistic juxtaposition, but not the matter at hand. The laws of thermodynamics – entropy always increases. Gravity is the opposite of entropy, isn’t it? So, if we find the cause of entropy (or why it’s always increasing) then we’ll know the counterpart to gravity. But entropy is a measurement, so it can’t really have a ‘cause’….

there is something more to this. there can’t be negative gravity or negative entropy, it doesn’t make sense. there is something more basic about gravity, and about entropy. something we’re missing. the strong and weak force are a pair. electromagnetism is a whole made from two parts, and is essentially energy. the strong force is essentially subatomic gravity. the weak force is how subatomic entropy happens. what if… what if the four basic forces of the universe are not actually the four basic forces of the universe? What if it’s even simpler than that? Think about the epitome of gravity – a black hole. light cannot escape, but some energy does. what if energy and its counterpart (not sure what to call it) are the true basic forces of the universe?

What if duality is the essence of existence?

Full disclosure – this started as a rant fueled by the fact that I’m frustrated with people using hot-button terms to try to excuse shit ass behavior, or as a reason that they “can’t” do what they want to do with their lives, themselves, whatever the case may be. And some of these terms were originally meant for real, helpful intent, not just a label that people use as a fucking hall pass. So, here goes…

I dislike the term neurodivergent as it is used today. You can’t be diverging from a “normal” that doesn’t fucking exist. Don’t get me wrong, it does fit in extreme cases – like someone believes that their dog shape-shifts into a dragon and flies them to Egypt every night. That is far outside the realm of rational thought processing. But, if you’re a little quirky with how your brain operates, how you learn, process, store and create ideas…. That’s not being neurodivergent. That’s being you. A naturally occurring neuro-electrochemical machine that just so happens to function a little different than anyone else’s. Big fucking deal. Stop trying to label yourself or use it as an excuse and go do something with that magical brain in your head!

I’m not talking about people with honest to god conditions that impede how they are able to function in the world. These people deserve respect and consideration within a system not built to accommodate them, I get that. I’ve known several people who fit this description. But ya know what? They don’t fucking care what label society places on them, they just want to live their lives – just like anyone else. What I’m referring to is people who hijack the term to avoid self-examination, effort to be better, and personal growth.

I met a little boy years ago – when I was 16 or so. I don’t know the details, but he was non-verbal, confined to a wheelchair. I was on a school bus with him, and he dropped one of the toy figurines he was playing with. A couple of other kids on the bus snatched it up and were teasing him with it. I got up out of my seat, grabbed the figurine and yelled at the other kids. I then turned to the little boy and handed him his figurine. His eyes lifted to meet mine. There was a sense of surprise in his eyes. And aside from the fact that I swear this kid looked straight into my soul, I could feel the gratitude radiating from him. This child was not at all broken – he was trapped in a body that does not respond to what he wants it to do. He was neurodivergent.  

The term neurodivergent was meant to attach a classification to—and enable advocacy for—people with serious conditions. I’m not going to call them disabilities, because that’s not what they are. They are differences in functional process. It was a term intended for good use; to destigmatize these conditions. To make society realize that difference is not dysfunction or lack of function. And I absolutely applaud this effort.

However, as with many things that humanity gets its claws into, the term and its meaning have been bastardized, diluted, made ‘trendy’ and somehow socially novel and interesting. This has completely decimated the original intent. Being ‘neurodivergent’ is now somehow a badge of honor, a flag to fly to show the world that you are different, oppressed, ostracized. But that’s bullshit. If you don’t treat it like a thing, it won’t be a fucking problem.

Now, people use the term so nonchalantly. They use the term to signal that they don’t think or operate like the majority of society, and that not fitting into society’s boxes somehow makes them damaged or broken. If they do things that are deemed ‘weird’, all of a sudden they are the misunderstood victim. And they then use that as an excuse for not working on themselves, for not advocating for themselves, for not living their life the way they want to. Because, why, exactly? Society will judge you? Big fucking deal. People will be uncomfortable? So what? That just means they’re not your fucking people. Because other people won’t get it? That’s fine. As long as you do, that’s all that matters.

I could very well be considered “neurodivergent”. I have quirky behaviors. If I’m pouring a liquid, it has to be for a count that is a multiple of 3. I count stairs. If I’m writing, music is acceptable. If I’m working with math or data, I need silence. I have thoughts that draw relationships between completely ‘unrelated’ things. But, it works. So I run with it.

I think what people need to remember is that every single one of us is different. Genetics, environment, responses. And there is nothing wrong with that. Ok, so you have a routine for how you prepare for a big task, that’s cool. Whatever works. As long as it doesn’t include human or animal sacrifice, I’m pretty sure you’re good. If it doesn’t harm or inordinately inconvenience anyone (including yourself, mind you), there’s really nothing to worry about. No need for a label. No need for boxes. Just do your thing. People will get it, or they won’t. If they don’t, that’s not your problem.

The fact of the matter is – no one’s mind is ever going to function exactly like yours. And that is fucking beautiful. Something to be embraced.