21

21. Interesting number. 2+1=3, one of my favorite numbers. The roman numeral version is XXI, which has two Xs and one I – 2 and 1. In binary code, it is 10101, the sum of the digits still being 3.

21 years. The age at which adults in the US can drink alcohol legally. More years than I have been married. Half my fucking life. And, at the forefront of my mind, the number of years I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. What a fucking trip.

I never expected to be here. I never expected to live past my mid-twenties, especially after this diagnosis, and the emotions that came with it. I never expected to spend my life battling myself and my body, which is what an autoimmune disease is, in essence. I’m not sure how to process this. I kinda want to laugh, kinda want to cry, kinda just want to sit in silence and marvel. So many unexpected but miraculous things born of complete and utter uncertainty.

I don’t know why, but I feel that this is a turning point. Towards what, I have no idea. But, I’m ready. Bad or good, I will fight, or I will flourish. Perhaps both.