Anxiety as a tool

Anxiety is a very real thing for some people, and I’m talking about the type of thing that goes far beyond normal anxious stress about things. This does not refer to the butterflies before a big presentation at work, or the sweaty palms when meeting your crush for dinner. What I’m talking about is the crippling, terror inducing anxiety that effectively renders you useless for any activity that requires rational thought.

I have dealt with that feeling, I have struggled with those kinds of racing, chaotic thoughts that feel like they’re simply going to come flying out of your head for all the world to see and criticize and ridicule. Or that sometimes, feel like they are going to split your head in two and leave you a twitching, spineless pile of goo on the floor. Speaking of, that thought reminds of me of the backpiece I started designing years ago. It is a self-portrait. I am screaming, hands clutching the skin falling off my face as my skull is splitting open and the entire universe is rushing out of the top of my head. I need to get back into drawing again and finish that piece and get it started on skin….

Anyway, I had a point here. Back to that.

I have gotten to a point where I can sometimes use my anxiety as a weapon against itself. For example, at work. I have a tendency to double, triple, quadruple check things. This, of course, is inefficient, and led to missed deadlines and late nights and arguments with my husband and exhaustion and stress and burnout. So, being the problem solver that I am, I asked myself, how can I satisfy my need to check things, but still deliver quality work on time? Simple, really. Do smaller checks more often during the project. Take a firm, concise mental note of each verification, and move on. It really does sound simple, and it really is that simple, but it is hard as hell to see that simplicity when you’re in the middle of a compulsive, anxiety ridden episode. But once you get a feel for it, and more so, learn to trust yourself enough, it really does work. It provides the comfort of checking something multiple times, but it is built into your process, so takes less time than doing multiple big checks at the end, highlighting problems during the project so they can be fixed with less effort.

For a long time, I struggled with OCD. I still have my moments, don’t get me wrong. But one mental health professional told me once, with regard to my obsession for checking things – locks, the stove, the dogs, whatever – take a picture. Literally, take a picture of what you’ve checked with your phone. It will have a timestamp, and is available if you start spiraling downward to remind you that you did what you should have done, even when your mind is screaming that you need to check it yet again. I got to the point that I could take a mental picture of whatever, and be ok. Mind you, this is progression from a written list with checks, circles, boxes and Xs to denote my checks before leaving the house, which would sometimes take upwards of an hour. And now, I take a mental picture, and most times, am fine.

I believe that any problem has a solution, and that any difficulty can be turned on its head and used as a tool. Can’t sleep? Use that time to be productive and reduce your stress level the following day. Can’t focus? Go for a walk, get your steps in, and a change of scenery. Can’t think straight? Draw, or do some stream of consciousness writing. Capitalize on whatever the difficulty is.

And if all else fails, remember to just breathe.