Hardest decision….

What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?

For various reasons, I was the healthcare proxy for my best friend, which means that I had to make medical decisions for him in the event that he became incapable of doing so for himself. That type of event happened, and I had to choose whether or not to discontinue life support.

I don’t know if I have the ability to properly communicate the weight and severity of making that decision. I had agreed to being his proxy, because I wanted to help him, and I hadn’t put much thought into the situation I may (would) later find myself in. He asked for my help, and I would do anything for someone I consider a friend.

We had spoken a great deal about this kind of thing, even before the proxy thing came up. We would sit around talking about random things like, “would you rather be deaf or blind?”, or “cremation or burial?” or “what’s the worst way to die?” and discuss various related topics that emerged from our somewhat morbid conversations. We both agreed that we would not want to be on life support for an extended period.

Death sucks, no matter what the situation. But if you add in the ability to impact (in these types of cases, hasten) the timing of death’s arrival, that little bit of control adds an entirely new dynamic to the situation. You realize that, essentially, you have control over the life of another living, breathing human being. That blows your fucking mind, flat out. And it throws you into this crazy tailspin, feeling guilt for wanting to say yes, guilt for wanting to say no, the anticipation of the crushing loss that you will feel if you say yes, the desperate hope of some miracle if you say no.

I thought that I would be able to be strong and pull the plug and honor his wishes. I failed. I could not bear the guilt, the loss (that I endured anyway, mind you), or knowing that I would be giving the order to take the final action that would cause his life to end, even if I had nothing to do with how he got there in the first place. The fact of the matter is, I let my best friend suffer longer than he had to, and I will regret that for the rest of my life.