Mad and Sad

Have you ever been mad and sad at the same time? Isn’t the duality interesting? But frustrating at the same time? I like to think that my anger can overcome my sadness, but that isn’t always the case. Today it’s not at least. Other days, the words of RATM are true — “Anger is a gift”. But not today. Because my anger is with myself, and my sadness is mostly because of myself, so there is no relief….

NIN — The Only Time. this is the song that comes on now… lol When you think about it, being emotional really is the time that you feel most alive, even if the emotion sucks. It’s the time when you realize that you are, in fact, human, and that you have things within yourself that you can’t control. And honestly, lack of control is how we feel alive. How else do you explain adrenaline junkies? And the fact that those people stuck in the mundane are really dead inside?

That last sentence hits me hard. I am stuck in the mundane. I live my life in the same building – all day, every day. Four main walls are my enclosure. But I don’t feel that I’m dead inside. I have passions, I have interests, I have desires outside of what encompasses my world right now. I’m not content with the mundane, and I think that’s the difference. Those who are stuck in the mundane are not necessarily dead inside — it’s those who are content being there who are.

But at the same time, is this my attempt to not be included in a group that I dislike? I don’t want to be dead inside, but what if I am? What if my circumstances have killed my soul? Is that possible? If it were, would I still feel passion, outrage? I do feel these things, so I don’t know. Am I sick of being stuck in the house? Yes. Would I be overly anxious about going back to work in person? Absolutely. Would I do it if I had to? Probably. If I were content with the mundane, would these things be true? No. So where does that leave me?

Lost.

But not. Am I content with my monotony? No. Would I change it if I could? With personal difficulty, yes. Are there things I can do to fight said monotony? Yep. And this blog is one of them. So is my daily walking and weight training. Will I continue these things? Absolutely.

it’s time for bed. Have a great night!!

L